How do you know you truly believe in god?

Ya see i tryed to commit suicide just got out of the hospital today because i took 532 pills and i love god i really do its just im kinda confused right now on why does he continue to let me live i try suicide from all massaive amounts of pill 14 times for some reason i think i shouldve died even the first time i took 574 and yet he continues on giving me chance after chance why cant i succeed why doesnt he realize i dont want to be here i dont want to go to hell either i dont want to be hear nor anywhere i just want to leave from everything i dont want any of it i just didnt want to be brought up in anyway but i know theres a heaven and a hell i choose god its just why did he have to create somebody that never wanted to be created.